Hey Hey! Here I am with another post! I am trying my hardest to get back on my consistent posting routine and I have a phone full of blog ideas so it's time I share them. Today I wanted to share some insight on something that has been weighing on me for quite sometime and that's how to remain positive even when it feels the hardest. If there's s anyone who knows about this, it's me. If you've been following my blog for a while then you know how I get when I am going through something. RETREAT. RETREAT. RETREAT. I go full hermit mode without a question. 
Most of the time people don't even know anything is wrong because I am pretty skillful at disengaging and very content with my own company. I'm sure that's the scorpio in me. Anyway, these last two years have been rough for my family and I. For me personally, it has been the lowest I've ever felt. I lost my mother in May 2019 and honestly, part of me went with her. I often tell people that losing her changed me. Life without her has been the hardest thing I've ever had to adjust to. I'm still trying to adjust. So many things in my life she won't be here to witness and so many things I won't be able to have her guidance on. There are times in the past where I thought I was severely depressed until I experienced this loss and realized no, THIS is depression. Not only was I experiencing depression but also cycling grief and if we're being honest, I didn't want help. I'm a psychologist so I didn't feel like anyone could tell me anything I didn't already know. Aside from my sisters and my best friends, I really didn't speak much on how I was truly feeling. I figured what was the point? They couldn't bring my mom back so why waste my time. I was sad and I was angry. It wasn't until Mother's Day rolled around this year and I went to the cemetery to visit with my mother and grandmother that something hit me. As I sat between their tombstones I became overcome with emotion. I was sad and heartbroken yes, but I also became overwhelmed as I remembered all they had done in their lives. My grandmother and mother were phenomenal hardworking women who cared so much about taking care of their family and making sacrifices so we all could have more. When I tell you I can only hope to be even half the women they were, that's an understatement! I miss my mom so so much and when I think of her I am overcome with grief but I am also reminded of who she was and the woman she raised me to be. My mother is my why. She is my daily motivation. I push myself everyday to still make her proud. That included taking care of myself and making the best of this life I've been given. Choosing to live and not just exist. She worked too hard so I could make the most of this life and I refuse to waste it. I also decided that I had to begin to nurture myself in a new way. I was right, I am different and I have changed so I now had to do things differently to be whole and healthy. I had to start making a conscious effort to see things positively and look for the good in each day. When I say I had to dig deep for that! Whew chile! lol But we're here and I'm doing it! 
We all experience low points from time to time and it is very rare that life is going to go exactly how we planned. We won't be prepared for everything that happens to us (I sure wasn't) and all we can do is try our best to find the positive in every single day and also honor how we feel. It is okay not to be okay and it is important that we all learn to extend ourselves the grace and compassion that we so easily give to others. I am the most private person I know but I am learning in this journey that sharing my pain can potentially be someone else's healing and I am more than okay with that. Thanks so much for reading!
Peace & Good Vibes
Harmonious Kourt
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